Tina Fey at work


Enjoy my friends, an excerpt from Bossypants by Tina Fey:


A Mother’s Prayer for It’s Daughter
“First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither the Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.
May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.
When the Crystal Meth is offered, may she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half And stick with Beer.
Guide her, protect her when crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.
Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels. What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, dammit.
May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.
Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen. Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.
O Lord, break the Internet forever, that she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers and the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.
And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.
And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back. “My mother did this for me once,”she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.
Amen.”
-Tina Fey
She Laughs at the Days to Come
“…she can laugh at the days to come.” Proverbs 31:25
I was listening to this audiobook while doing the laundry and I think I played it three times just to relish in every joke and innuendo.  Regardless of what you think about her politics, you have to admit, the woman is a comic genius.  She’s the youngest person to receive the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor and this little prayer is an example why.  
I’m struck by her willingness to make fun of the trials of motherhood from the host of fears we carry for our children, to the concerns about their future happiness, to the worries we have about parenting them well, all the way to our compassion for them when they suffer.  Tina Fey has found a way to laugh at her circumstance giving her joy in the moment and hope for the future.  I learned how to do this from a very unlikely person.  The Proverbs 31 woman.  Yes, the woman of noble character whose resume has struck fear in the heart of many-a Christian woman.
On our honeymoon, my husband and I elected to take a cruise. As part of my self-imposed pre/post-marital prep I chose to do a devotional on the Proverbs 31 woman. A word of advice from a burnt woman: if you decide to study this overachiever with a distaff and a spindle- do it with friends so that they can bring perspective to this passage.  Do not do it say, at 5am, coming off a bridezilla high, on the deck of a boat, after driving 12 hours to catch said boat then nursing a nauseous husband back to health, and coming to terms with  “till death do us part”.  To say I was not in a good place, would be an understatement.  I cracked open the devotional book with my bible, turned to the highlighted, but never really applied section, and read about a chick so industrious she would make Martha Stewart cry tears of shame… or joy.  After every line, the weight of what it meant to be the “perfect” Christian woman grew heavy and uncomfortable like your favorite hand-wash only sweater that accidentally gets thrown into the wash. It comes out itchy, tight, and irrevocably altered. &nbsp
;What was meant to comfort you and protect you from the cold,  constricts and annoys you.  That’s how I felt about the Proverbs 31 woman- the girl annoyed me.  I wanted to tell her where to shove that spindle… and distaff.  
I was about to throw my bible and curl up into the fetal position, until I read the verse above… she laughs at the days to come.  Why laugh? I was intrigued.  Why not scowl?  Why not meditate or consider?  Why not Google search?  Why would God describe the woman of noble character as someone who laughs?  
Because “a cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones”.   Sometimes we take ourselves too seriously.  I know I do.  I look at the three children God has given me, the gifts that are entrusted to me to do something great for him, I think about the people in my sphere of influence, or the ministry ideas I have, and I’m tempted to scowl at the impossibility of it all.  I’m tempted to consider multiple plans to put on a wicked awesome women’s event.  I’m SO tempted to set the internet ablaze with my impressive Googling skills, quickly typing, “Happiest Kid on the Block”, “How to Win Friends and Influence People”,  or “how to make your kids stop tormenting each other” (seriously if you find a website on that… shoot me the link. Seriously.  I’ll love you forever).   I fret, plan, and worry because I think I need to do it all… and do it well. But, the ideal woman laughs.  So what does her laughter mean?
Her laughter means she’s not willing to allow future uncertainty to steal her present peace or joy.  I like how John Wesley’s Commentary puts it, ” She lives in constant tranquillity of mind, from a just confidence in God’s gracious providence”. This woman has to ability to laugh at the uncertainty of the future because of her confidence in God’s gracious providence.  He is a good provider.  He will provide  opportunities to use my gifts, he will give me ideas to connect the women at my church that’s meaningful to them, he will provide our needs, both financially and spiritually, and he will give me direction to make my kids the happiest on the block… because they have a happy mom… not because she is an extensive Googler.
So what future uncertainty is stealing your present joy?  Is it a job, a relationship, a passion, a child, a ministry?  I encourage you to turn that thing over to God and trust in his goodness.  Jesus taught that God is a good father who delights in providing for us.  ” Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?” Matthew 6:26  
Next, fill your life with laughter.  I’ll try my best here, but grab this, and get your daily dose of humor.  I’ve found the more I’ve made laughter and humor a priority in my life,  I’ve been able to find the humor in my daily interactions with the kids, resulting in me enjoying my life as a mother and having a more optimistic outlook on my future.  I’m able to laugh at tomorrow because I’m choosing to laugh today. Moments of laughter, like a threat that didn’t come out just right, a well timed fart, or my favorite: the knock-knock joke told by a child that doesn’t quite get the concept of a punch line, have all added joy and laughter to what would be drudgery and fear-laden.  
I’ve made my peace with the Proverbs 31 woman.  She doesn’t have to hide the spindle and distaff when I visit her in the pages of my bible.  I’ve come to respect her because we have something in common- our love for our family, for our God, and a healthy sense of humor.
Laughing at the laundry I need to do tonight,